Impasse

I am going absolutely crazy right now with the 'what ifs' of our situation. We decided a couple of days ago that I would leave Tijuana on the same day that Ahmed goes this time, Friday 30th. Just get out of this madhouse, away from Mexico, and Maya would stay with a wonderful foster mum we know here. Horrible, hard decision, leaving our baby behind, but when we looked at the alternatives: me finally going off the deep end, lack of income, etc etc, we just felt it was time. The interminable waiting, and maybe today, maybe tomorrow here has pushed me to the absolute limit of my patience, and beyond, many times, and I really need to get out.

So, decision was made, I was planning to spend the week with Ahmed and Maya, just enjoying ourselves, feeling sad at leaving, but knowing that I'd be back in probably two months, when the adoption HAS to be finished surely, and bringing Maya home then. We know Maya would be fine with Ana and her family. She's a happy little pickle and would forgive us.

Then we got a phone call from Aida yesterday saying that Maya's BM freaked out when she heard I would leave, and said, yes, yes, I'll ratify. What the hell??? Of course, it will take several days of permissions, trips to and from court (for Aida) to get the judge's secretary to do this again, before it will happen, but now what? Will she do it? Will she lead us on again just to refuse at the last minute like the last two times? There are so many stupid consequences of each decision, staying or going, that my head is once again spinning, and I can't make a decision to save myself. And of course the decision to leave needs to be made before the ratification would happen, as there are all these other factors at stake. Stupid catch 22. I have no clarity. No idea. No gut feelings. Just murky dunnos rolling around in my head. I've identified at least three other stages in our adoption when a different decision would have really benefited the process, but at the time it was too difficult to judge. Now we're here again, having to make a decision, time marching on, and aaaaargh??? Who knows?

If I stay, BM either signs & ratifies and Maya and I get out of here in about 3 or 4 weeks, hurrah, or she doesn't sign and I need to check into the nearest mental health institution. Could then go back to Abu Dhabi, but would miss the opportunity to do teacher training course, which starts next Sunday. And new term starts next Wednesday.

If I go, I could start back on a teacher training course the day after getting back to AD, but then wouldn't be free to leave again for at least 8 or 10 weeks. If BM signs and ratifies, we'd be kicking ourselves, as Maya would be free to come home, but we couldn't come here and get her birth cert, passport, etc till... April? If BM doesn't sign and ratify, well then, that was the right decision. Or if she says she'll do it, but doesn't sign and ratify before I leave, then finds out I've left, who knows what then? I think she'd totally refuse to do it. Too many variables and key players in this game. Am going round and round in circles.